The future is always created through action, through performance. We can have an idea or a vision of a bigger future, but the idea and vision become real only when we take actions that are directly focused on achieving specific goals.
Dan Sullivan, Catherine Nomura, The Laws of Lifetime Growth
We've all heard the old adage, "A goal without a plan is just a wish." But what happens when, no matter how hard we try, we can't seem to get a grip on our lives? What if our best-laid plans keep falling apart, no matter how much we try to control the outcome?
Oliver Burkeman puts it beautifully in his book, Four Thousand Weeks, when he says, "What I had yet to understand, at that point, was why all these methods were doomed to fail, which was that I was using them to try to obtain a feeling of control over my life that would always remain out of reach."
So, if having a feeling of complete control is impossible, what feelings are possible and beneficial? And, how do we get there?
While the feeling of absolute control may be unattainable, there are other emotions that can bring us fulfillment, peace, and a sense of purpose. These include acceptance, gratitude, contentment, curiosity, and compassion.
For example in my leadership roles in the military, coaching agents and consulting with real estate clients I learned that I essentially have very little control. Most of our success, together, depended on the other person doing their part, whatever that might be. Over the years I have found that the absolute superpower attitude or feeling that I must have is... drumroll... curiosity. Seems paradoxical that curiosity can be the best replacement for the impossible feeling or drive for control and that it will have better outcomes for all involved. Does it not?
Here are other feelings that I am personally working to enhance. Acceptance can help us come to terms with what we cannot change, allowing us to focus on what we can. Gratitude can increase positive emotions and improve our overall well-being. Contentment comes from being satisfied with what we have, rather than constantly striving for more. Curiosity can bring excitement and enrichment to our lives. And compassion, both towards ourselves and others, can increase feelings of connection and kindness. These are all complex and very personal feelings.
So, how do we trigger these alternative emotions when we find ourselves struggling with a feeling of not being in control?
There are several techniques that can be helpful, including mindfulness, gratitude exercises, acts of kindness, challenging negative thoughts, and pursuing interests and hobbies. What works best for you may vary depending on your personality and situation, and experimenting to find what strategies are most effective and lead to a greater sense of well-being and fulfillment.
Lastly, my favorite way to "hack myself" is with affirmations. I write specific affirmations to hard-wire the neuro-physical-emotional pathways in me to respond better in important situations. I want to respond in a beneficial manner which means I have to identify where I have responded poorly in the past and where I will likely respond poorly in the future if I do not change myself. Basically, I try to teach myself to do my part.
For example, here is my curiosity mantra that I use before coaching, mentoring or client consultations. You will note it is more than just curiosity that I am trying to generate in myself. I am trying to establish myself squarely in the role that I perceive I should be playing and prompt the other person to play their part. This mantra is an amalgamation of a coaching book, I read called the Coaching Habit and the coaching certification I completed in 2000 when COVID had us all locked down.
Be lazy. Be curious. Be often. Be longer.
Say less. Ask more. Question harder. Dig deeper.
Lower your rank. Raise them up. Be on their side.
Open the gates of Mission, Identity, Belief, Capacity, Habit, Environment.
Show them the way. Show them the future. Give them the choice.
That is just one example of taking a "control" emotion and reframing it as a "curiosity" emotion, attitude and behavior. Because emotions and attitudes drive our behaviors. I have many emotions to work on within myself. But, curiosity has served me well in so many ways.
In conclusion, while the feeling of control may be elusive, it's important to shift our focus away from the impossible towards more positive emotions and cultivate resilience in the face of life's challenges. With a little effort, we can create a more fulfilling life filled with acceptance, gratitude, contentment, curiosity, and compassion.
Please set up a call if you have any questions or thoughts about this technique, clicking on www.Lance15.com is how you do it.
